I am going to start a new series on Monday’s called, Monday Mom Moments. Little moments about being a Mom that I want to remember and capture.
Today, it made me a little sad when Thomas smiled so big when he looked at me. One day just hearing my voice or hearing his name won’t produce that same big smile with his little cubby cheek and squinty eyes. He won’t be so excited, he will greet me with other expressions, probably ones I won’t always like. I so want to burn the memory of this smile in my memory.
Then tonight while putting him to bed, he took hold of my finger. I usually like to hold his hand for a bit after he has gone to sleep. Tonight though, he grabbed my finger and drifted off to sleep. My eyes weld up knowing that this moment too won’t last.
It is crazy all of these little everyday moments that I cherish so much only last for such a small season of his life. He is 6 months old today, a half year old, that amazes me. I knew it was coming of course, but now that it is here it blows me away. I have been doing this Mom thing for almost a year.
I feel like when he woke up this morning he was this “older” baby. No longer my infant but a big boy who is learning how to do things on his own now. Soon I will have a sitter on my hands…what the what!?!?!
All of these small moments makes me think of my relationship with my Mom. I texted her tonight when Thomas woke up crying. Not sure if it is teeth, a cold, or a bad dream that has been waking him up. I told her that I hate seeing him like this. Her response was, “Now you know how I feel when you have been sad over the last 30+ years.” My response, “Ugh!”
To see his little quivering bottom lip, tightly shut eyes with crocodile tears and red face tears me up. It makes me sad just thinking about it. Since becoming a Mom I have this new found sense of appreciation and respect for my own Mom. I think back on my life up to this point and I can’t believe how at certain times she was so strong for both of us.
I’m not saying that my life was rough or terrible, no nothing like that. I’m learning quickly that there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for Thomas. I would move heaven and earth if I could. So to have my Mom being so helpless on our journey to have Thomas I have no words for how she did it.
As a Mom you are supposed to be “The Fixer”. You’re Mom, the super hero to your child. I sometimes feel helpless when it comes to Thomas’s BWS. I can’t fix it, I can’t kiss it and make it better. All I can do is hold his hand or finger and remind him he’s not alone. I can talk to him and call his name and have him be so happy and smiley.
I’m not really sure where this post was all going to end up. Sometimes writing things just makes me feel better. We have our next blood draw in a few days and our next scan in a month. These are weighing on my mind a lot lately. I think that they are really always there, but get blocked out when we make it through.
It’s so emotionally draining and I’m lucky that Thomas is still way to little to understand. One day that will change so I need to always make sure I’m bringing that same smile to his face.
Just thinking about that brings a smile to mine. 🙂