I have to confess that it has been quite some time since I have been on the pill. I am talking at least 10 years. That means that I have pretty much zero recollection of how I felt on it. I started taking it on Monday this week and by Wednesday I could tell that something was up. I was feeling pretty emotional and to be honest a bit depressed. I don’t really know if it was all this little pills fault or if was something else.
Even though I am completely ready for this next step in our journey, have I allowed myself to fully process it, and how does one really do that? I know that if we want to try to have a child this is what we have to do, so is this my way of grieving the natural process? I guess I am probably the only one who has this answer, but even I am not sure of it. Part of me feels silly that I feel this way considering this is the most minor part of what is to come.
Patience is not one of my strong suits and anyone that has gone through this process knows that next step can’t come soon enough. While I am over here on step 1, I am constantly thinking about the upcoming steps and what if they don’t work and things go wrong. Playing the ever so popular “what if” game.
The other night I started crying and Mate asked me what was wrong. I explained to him that what if we go through this whole process: the pills, the shots, the retrieval, and then we get zero, zip, zilch, nada. Since the issue is with the age and quantity of my eggs that is what I am most worried about. That part is all on me. While I know that it is really out of my control as I can’t make more eggs, I worry that the aren’t going to be good enough or we will only get a few. Not all eggs will make it either, some won’t be mature, and others can’t be fertilized. There are so many variables that go into this, it’s hard not to think about and worry about each one. He reminded me that I need try my hardest to not focus on that on just try my best to focus on where we are right now. He also said that I need to remember that not everyone can even go through IVF for various reasons and that we are so lucky that we even get to try. If you ask me he is one good egg! 🙂
I can’t imagine what is it like for him watching me have to go through this process. I know that they say behind every good man is a good women, but I think it also works the other way too. I know that I wouldn’t be able to do half of the things that I do if it weren’t for him. Even though he is like a 3 year child when he has to give blood, I know that if he could take every pill, shot, surgery, etc for me he would do it in heart beat no questions asked. If that isn’t love, I have no clue what is. All I know is that I am going to hold on to him for dear life and just continue the journey.
I know that I can’t allow myself to get stuck in the deep sad depression hole, but maybe I need to allow myself to have a good cry and process everything as best as I possibly can. Try to not let myself worry about things that haven’t happened yet and most of all not rule this out. Nothing is pointing to IVF not being a successful option. Don’t count your eggs until they hatch…right!
Here’s to a pill poppin weekend, hope you all have a great one too!